Friday, April 28, 2017

Lydia - No One's Wife

Lydia is a different kind of wife. We actually don't know if she was a wife. She was a seller of purple. She may have been a strong single woman who started her business on her own, though a likely scenario is that she inherited her business from her husband when he died, or inherited it from her family, since it was so prized that the recipes for the different shades was kept in the family. She would have been very wealthy because the making of purple cloth rejected a very valuable fabric that was absolutely miserable to produce. It entailed acquiring snails called Murex from fishermen, letting them bake in the sun, then crushing them and mixing them with salt. You know how bad fish smells when it sits for three days? Imagine it sitting in the sun for days. The dyers of purple earned every penny.

Anyway, it would have been a very labor intensive job with a really great return on her money, so she was a leader in her community and had many employees. She lived in Philippi, which was the main city of Macedonia, the mainland north of the peninsula of Greece.

Lydia was a Hellenistic Jew, a descendant of Jews who had traveled to Greece and settled all over what became the Roman Empire. Culturally, they were Greek, but in religion, they were Jewish. Paul was a Hellenistic Jew, born in Asia Minor. Jewish tradition required ten adult Jewish males to sponsor a synagogue and there weren't that many in Philippi. But, there was Lydia. She and several women met to pray by the riverside every Sabbath, and it was Paul's habit, when he came to a city, to go to the synagogue first, where they were always eager to hear a visiting rabbi. He would go every Sabbath until they realized he was preaching a risen Messiah and kicked him out. Sometimes, that took two weeks and sometimes it took longer, but he always took some new believers with him. In this case, it was Lydia and her household, which would have been servants, perhaps some dependent relatives, as well as residential employees. They all believed and were baptized on the spot. Her gnerosity of spirit caused her to be -- the Bible says "beg" -- Paul and Silas and Timothy and Luke to stay at her house. She didn't know what she was getting into.

This is Paul's second missionary journey. He has had a lot of experience sharing the gospel in new towns by now. And he is a champion defender of the faith. In Philippians 3:5, Paul tells us he is a Pharisee. A Pharisee had to memorize -- memorize -- the first five books of the Old Testament -- and keep the laws in them -- or he didn't qualify. Paul had come to Jerusalem when he was young from Asia Minor (Acts 22:3) to study with Gamaliel who, according to Acts 5:34, was a Pharisee who was highly respected by all the people. This was the Gamaliel who advised the council, which comprised priests, Sadducees and Pharisees that, if what was happening among the Christians was of men, it would fizzle out, but they didn't want to be in the position of fighting against God. Paul learned to argue and persuade from the best.

Paul and his entourage were going to a prayer meeting when they ran into a slave girl who was possessed by a demon. Now, this wasn't a slavering, crazy, cursing demon, this was a spirit of divination. It gave the girl secret information, so she could make money as a fortuneteller. But, she didn't make money for herself: she was owned. She was a slave. Several men had gone in together to purchase her and were business partners in her. But, she started following Paul and Silas all around Philippi for days yelling to everyone she passed, "These men are servants of the Most High God, who proclaim to us the way of salvation." (Acts 16:1y) Now, I don't know the rationale of evil spirits, or why it would impel the slave girl to say this, but after several days of this, Paul was "greatly annoyed." (Acts 16:18) These are the kinds of phrases that confirm in me that the Bible is real. The demon was telling the truth and wasn't cursing or hurting her or doing anything objectionable otherwise, but it was annoying. So, Paul turned around and commanded it to come out of her, which did. But, her masters would have no income from her anymore, so they "dragged them into the marketplace to the authorities." (v. 19) Then they accused Paul and Silas of riling up the city and teaching illegal things. Their clothes were stripped off and they were beaten with rods and thrown in jail with their feet in the stocks.

Their wounds from the beating would have been very painful, and sitting with their feet in stocks would have added a different level to their pain. But, they prayed and sang and the other prisoners, instead of yelling at them to be quiet, it's the middle of the night, were listening to them. Paul and Silas, in finding comfort comfort in God in their pain and persecution instead of cursing their tormentors, were ministering to the other prisoners. And in the midst of all this, an earthquake shook the city! This is not a little 4.5 that rattles the doors, and it's not a 9.2 that pulls down the city. It's in the middle. It wakes everyone up, slips the doors out of their locks and breaks everyone's chains off.

The prison warden or jailer wakes up and sees that the doors are open and he believes the worst: all his prisoners are escaped.

Roman military discipline was very harsh. For any dereliction of duty, even sleeping on watch, a soldier could be executed. With this expectation, the jailer draws his sword to take his own life.

Picture this: Paul and Silas and the other prisoners are underground with no light. They have been praying and singing with only their voices and their pain as reference points. Then, an earthquake happens. An earthquake in the daytime is scary. Underground in the pitch black it must have been terrifying. Through the open doorway, they see a light. In the light, they see the jailer draw his sword and start to fall on it.

"But Paul called with a loud voice, saying, 'Do yourself no harm, for we are all here.'" (v. 28)

The jailer calls for a light and rushes into the cell and every one of the prisoners is still sitting there. He falls on his knees before Paul and Silas and asks the famous words, "What must I do to be saved?" (v. 31) By running away, Paul and Silas have saved his life. He must have known why they were there; there had been something short of a riot in the town square over these men, and beatings were deliberately made public both to entertain and deter bad behavior in the populace. He knew they were Jewish preachers talking about a new religion. "What mus I do to be saved?" And Paul and Silas shared the good news with the jailer, the servants who held the lights and all the prisoners. The jailer was so grateful not only for his life, but for salvation that, after cleaning up and and feeding Paul and Silas, he and his household were baptized and "he rejoiced, having believed in God with all his household."

The next morning, the magistrates decided that Paul and Silas have been punished enough and the slave girl's masters have probably been appeased, so they can just let Paul and Silas go.

"But, Paul said to them, 'They have beaten us openly, uncondemned Romans, and have thrown us into prison. And now do they put us out secretly? No indeed! Let them come themselves and get us out.'" (v. 37)

This is really bad news for the magistrates. You see, a very small population of the Roman Empire was actually comprised of Roman citizens. The vast majority were slaves and, after that, subject peoples. Many men joined the Roman army because, after twenty years (if you lived that long) you were made a citizen, which conferred huge rights and privileges. One of those was that you couldn't be physically punished without a trial. Certain towns throughout the empire had been blessed by being named roman cities, so that anyone born in that town was born a Roman, which Paul explains another time he is tied to be scourged. that time was in Jerusalem and when he told the Roman commander that he was born a citizen, the commander was frightened just because he tied him up; he hadn't even gotten to the beating. (Acts 22:25-29) As a side note, Paul was the perfect choice to send as a missionary. As a cultural Greek, a jew by blood, a Pharisee by training, and a Roman by birth, he had an in and understanding to preach the gospel anywhere in the Roman Empire, finally ending up preaching to Roman governors and even Nero in his imprisonment.

So, back in Philippi; the magistrates came abjectly to Paul and Silas and begged their pardons and asked them to forget all this and jst leave the city. Which they did.

But, first they go to Lydia's house.

Lydia was really a remarkable woman when you read between the lines. She was a faithful Jew, observing the Sabbath in a foreign country and leading her household to do the same. She was spiritually aware and submissive to the Lord; she didn't boss people around, even though she was the boss. Acts 16:14 says she "worshiped God. The Lord opened her heart to heed the things spoken by Paul." And she, having been converted to Jesus, was willing to put her money where he mouth was. She already had several people dependent on her, since she had come to worship at the riverside with her household, but she was willing, no, "she begged us,saying, 'If you have judged me to be faithful to the Lord, come to my house to stay!" (v. 15)

Paul wasn't in Philippi very long, but it was an eventful stay. While he was there, Lydia's guests were followed around by a loud soothsayer, they were dragged up before the magistrates, beaten, jailed and an earthquake occurred. During all this, a church started -- at Lydia's house. And she showed her faithfulness to God and her new faith, as well as her generosity of spirit and hospitality in bringing Paul back into her home after being whipped in the public square. Her sisterhood in Christ was tested, but she stood firm. And this little church, that, no doubt, would soon include the jailer and his family, was the one to whom the beautiful Book of Philippians was written from another Roman prison. All because of Lydia's generosity and faithfulness.


Saturday, April 15, 2017

"David's Wives" preview

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David had at least 8 wives, plus concubines, but only three do we hear much about. David's wives are a reflection of where he was at the point in time he met them. When David met Michal, he would only have been 17-20 years old and, even having a relationship with, and great trust in, God, would have been about as fatuous and self-involved as most very young men of military age. It is interesting that in those very early years of his career, he never actually did anything for anybody, besides be a faithful and skilled soldier. The Bible says Jonathan's heart was knit to David's and he loved David as his own soul -- not the other way around. David paid a dowry of 200 Philistine foreskins for Michal, but we never see him do anything for her. She, on the other hand helps him to escape and remains to face her father's wrath, which was murderous, as we know. It's the last they see of each other before he is made king, almost ten years later. Why didn't he take her with him? Is it any wonder she became embittered against him?

Abigail, he met and married at the height of his manhood. He was being chased around the countryside by Saul, doing a little dance between him and the Philistines, so he was very sharp mentally because of his constant strategizing and his greatest Psalms (and he wrote 2 whole books of them) were written during this period, indicating that this was the point of his life where he felt closest to the Lord. He was at his most charismatic at this time and really the height of his military career. When he was a soldier under Saul, he was resting on his laurels as the defeater of Goliath and was handed men to lead. Now, men flocked to him from all over and he was considered valuable enough as a military leader for Philistines to hire as a mercenary and their empire was a force to be reckoned with. It was during this time that he married Abigail, described in the Bible as a woman "of good understanding."

By the time he met Bathsheba, he was resting on his reputation. "In the spring of the year, at the time when kings go out to battle," he didn't. He took a vacation while his men went to war. He was neglectful of his relationship with God, otherwise he would never think of committing adultery with the wife of one of his mighty men and then arranging for his death.

So, each of his wives reflected his character at the time he met her: Michal disappointed in her first love, Abigail, the wise, whom he met at his spiritual and physical peak and Bethsheba during his period of corruption and intrigue and who did her fair share of intriguing. . .

We can be bitter at our husbands for everything they haven't been for us. Or, we can connive and use them for our own ends. Or we can be wise and help them look to the future and trust in God, recognizing that their futures are also our futures.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Respect Goes Both Ways

I was thinking the other day about kids asking "Why?" The typical (half-joking) answer is, "Because I said so." But "Why?" isn't a bad question. And, "Because I said so," isn't always a bad answer.

According to Dr. James Dobson, there are three types of parenting: permissive, authoritarian and authoritative.

Permissive parents essentially say, "the child rules". Sometimes he rules simply because Mom and Dad don't want to take the trouble to set boundaries. Sometimes he rules because Mom and Dad are afraid of losing a child's affection or feeling guilty because of hardships in a child's life. A child asking "Why?" and refusing to obey without knowing why and parents always having a reasonable answer for that question (or feeling that they must have one) is a hallmark of permissive parenting.

Authoritarian parents rule by "Because I said so." "Because I said so" is the only reason they ever need for whatever they want their children to do. Once again, sometimes, this is because Mom and Dad don't want to take the trouble to communicate their reasoning to their children. Sometimes it's because they don't want to do the self-examination that any other answer would require. Sometimes, they rule by "Because I said so" in an honest desire to teach their children to submit to authority.

A child brought up by purely permissive parenting will grow up without boundaries and live in fear that there is no one bigger than they - no one guarding them from the world, which they inherently understand is a big and dangerous place. The anger that these children often exhibit is actually a defense mechanism to hide fear.

A child brought up by authoritarian parenting will also live in fear. But they will be afraid because they don't understand why they are supposed to do or not do things and will have no judgment as to how to make their own decisions. They will always look to the authoritarian parent to make those decisions for them, even as adults.

Authoritative parents answer the question "Why?" as often as they can. But sometimes, the answer is, "Because I said so." When a two-year-old has no other response to anything you tell him but, "Why?", he is probably not actually looking for the answer to his question. However, you need to know "Why" you are asking him to do whatever you are asking him to do. And ultimately, the answer to that is, "Because I said so"!

You see, God did put you in authority over your children, to give them boundaries, but also to give them encouragement and the tools they need to be wise, decision-making adults one day. So, the answer to every "Why?" starts with "Because God put me in charge and I love you and want the best for you and making the bed is a small piece of responsibility that you can take and develop discipline to become a wise, successful adult." How's that for an answer to the question, "Why?"

There are occasions when we don't have time to answer "Why?" At those times, a respectful child will accept "Because I said so." But using "Because I said so" because a parent is too tired or lazy to come up with a reason is not respectful to the child. The most successful families are run with respect required on the part of both the parents and the children.

If you are ever stuck on the fence, not knowing whether you should lean toward "Because I said so," or toward answer the question, "Why?" Dr. Dobson always recommends leaning towards being permissive. More damage is done by screwing a child into place than by trusting him and giving him space.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Why Do We Have All This Junk?

No answers today, just observations.

I have been packing to move for two months. In the process, I have pitched or given away bags and boxes of stuff, found projects that needed finishing and things that needed cleaning. Why did it take moving to deal with all of the extraneous stuff around the house?

The first homeschool conference we attended in 1993, the McKim family was speaking. They used to be popular homeschool speakers who, at the time, had fourteen children and I think they had more after we heard them speak. I saw one of her daughter on Say, Yes to the Dress: Atlanta a couple of years ago, getting married for the first time at the age of 45. Mrs. McKim had a workshop on home organization that was a squooshed-down version of an entire weekend of home organization talks that left me feeling breathless and inadequate, even accounting for the fact that I was expecting my second child and she had six adult children living at home to do her massive list. it included daily chores (vacuuming), weekly chores (organizing the kitchen towel drawer) and monthly chores (cleaning the garage! Monthly!)

Now, my dear husband doesn't clean. Anything. Except himself. And emergency child cleanup. But, he is very grateful when I do clean. Well, he doesn't like my process (think angry tornado) but he likes the result and tells me so. Personally, I am more of a project person than a maintenance person. If we could afford someone to clean our house regularly, I would hire them simply because I like a clean house but don't enjoy the process of keeping it clean. I just do it because I am so overwhelmed when I let the house get away from me. Since I am the only one moving the house away from chaos, the garage has been cleaned perhaps three times since we moved in thirteen years ago. Maybe.

I have come to love Swiffer dusters. When I have a Swiffer duster in hand, I dust the top of the door frames. I dust lampshades. I dust table legs. I dust the carpet under my bed where the vacuum doesn't reach. Unfortunately, cute little statues, like Precious Moments figurines, and "vignettes" that my Romantic Country magazine advocates, don't take Swiffing well, so there are some places that just don't get dusting. A year ago, I dusted a shelf in the rec room for the first time since we moved in and my sons' naval models were so dusty that the battleships looked as though their decks were covered with tiny people.

I can declutter! It makes everybody very tense. They never know what they're going to have left after I get going. I have a guitar that has been rescued from the trash four times and hidden in various kids' closets until I find it and throw it away again. I cannot convince them that the guy at the guitar store twenty years ago told me it was a lost cause. However, decluttering falls in the project category, not maintenance.

A lady at church when we first got married had been such a terrible housekeeper that she vowed to her ladies' bible study that she was going to put together a home management program and start teaching it. If she could figure it out well enough to teach it, anyone could do it. Her system was, never have more than three items on any flat surface. It makes them much easier to dust. That sounds great. In our next house, I will follow that rule religiously. That also means, large collections should be behind glass. I have a teak storage unit inherited from my father that we call "the Beast" and it has some glass display cases. That's where the plaster models of my ten kids' feet as babies will go so they won't get dusty. Behind glass really works in the fight against dust.

I have discovered Prairie Style magazine. There have only been about 4-6 issues published, by the same people who publish Romantic Country and I have decided this is my style. It is upscale country without the romantic fru-fru. One woman said, "I don't have anything that doesn't have a use or a meaning." That was convicting! How many things do I have because I thought they were "cute" or "cool" but they don't do anything and no one I care about gave them to me. Now, I just need to get on Pinterest and find a project that can turn all the three dimensional $2 tchotchkes my kids gave me into one amazing art piece.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Michal, the Bitter

Michal, David's wife, never bore children. Unlike the other barren wives in the Bible, Satan was not trying to prevent the birth of the Messiah, nor was God trying to point out the special nature of the woman's son. Michal sinned. She left God and grew bitter and paid the consequences.

She is one of the few women in the Bible whose story we follow over several years. After the book of Genesis, most women are seen in snapshots. But we get a very clear, sad picture of how Michal ended up a bitter, lonely old woman.

She didn't start out that way. She started out as the starry-eyed young princess in love with the handsome young hero of the battle with Goliath. And he was in love with her, too, enough that when Saul demanded 100 Philistine foreskins for a dowry (and how would get them except by killing their owners?) he and his men procured 200! And when Saul was planning to kill David, she sacrificed her relationship with her father by deceiving him and helping David to escape by night.

Now, saul was not a loving father and was not a particularly honorable man. The usual deal in these events is that you win the battle, you get the princess. David hadn't claimed the prize because he was humble and didn't think he deserved to be the king's son-in-law. Saul had to do some behind-the-scenes intriguing to talk him into going for the dowry of foreskins, which he hoped would be the end of David. but, by this time, he had already given away his oldest daughter, who should have been the prize, to someone else. That was his first cheat. Next, he wanted David to go for the foreskins in the hopes that he would be killed, not so he could fulfill his promise of reward David for defeating Goliath. That was his second cheat. He promised Jonathan, his most trusted son and confidante that he wouldn't harm David. And then, he threw a spear at Jonathan for being on David's side: third cheat. When David headed for the hills to hide from Saul, first he killed the priests who had innocently fed and armed David: fourth cheat. Then he ran around the countryside trying to kill David, repeatedly repenting and then turning around to chase him down again: fifth cheat. finally, he gave Michal away to a new husband, Palti of Galiim.

How secure would you be with a father like that? And things got worse.

After her father died, David was made king. Abner was a cousin of Saul's and his captain. After Saul's death, Abner made overtures to David to a) unite the kingdom and b) protect himself from a death sentence for having chased David around the countryside for Saul all those years. I don't know if David made this request out of the memory of the love he and Michal had had, from machismo (what's mine, is mine!) or as a request of Abner as a sign of good faith, but all he asked Abner was that he bring David Michal. But this was between fifteen and twenty years after he had left, and Michal had a new husband. Actually, he wasn't such a new husband because they had been married over fifteen years. And as Michal was taken away by Abner, Paltiel followed her, weeping. Not fighting for her, weeping.

Michal had been disappointed in her dreams. She had once shared David's vision and was willing to give up her security with her father for him. But, she was abandoned by him and treated as political chattel by her father, Abner, and David. Let's say she wept as much for Paltiel as he did for her. The Bible doesn't say that she did. Either way, she got tossed around by circumstances that she could not control.

The last scene we see her in is during the return of the Ark of the Covenant to Israel after it had been stolen by the Philistines. There was a procession -- no, more of a moveable feast -- through the streets of Jerusalem.  David was "whirling and leaping" and he was dancing with all the people and they wee shouting for joy and trumpets were calling.

And Michal saw him from her window and despised him. David had put aside his kingly robes and mingled with the hoi poloi. She had forgotten why he was anointed king in her father's place: to be a king and a man after God's own heart. She didn't understand the qualities that made men flock to him in the wilderness and do crazy dangerous things to please him in battle: humility before God and his fellow man.

She could have valued those things. But, her frustration over her circumstances, her wounded pride and, most of all, her lack of connection with God, fostered bitterness in her heart. Apparently, she never overcame it because (II Sam. 6:33) "Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death."

Can your sin be what is keeping you from receiving good things in this life? Maybe. But, John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."  Do you feel your rights have been violated? Do you feel you have been cheated? Are you jealous of the good things those around you receive? Are things just not fair? Is there any specific thing you can point to in your life that has frustrated you and caused you to become bitter? God promises that confession is followed by restoration. If it really is person sin, you will be able to humbled before God and accept from Him whatever He wants to give you, because

                   "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." (James 1:17)

Thursday, March 16, 2017

How Responsible Was Eve?

 The scholars of medieval times chose to make Eve the fall guy for the Fall. But, it's not as simple as Eve's leading Adam to disobey God. The fact is, both Adam and Eve share responsibility for the Fall of the human race just as both husbands and wives are responsible for the condition of their families.

Was Eve tempted? Yes. Was she solely responsible for the Fall? No. But she was one of the "gullible women, led away by various lusts, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth," that Paul talks about in II Timothy 3:7. She was certainly gullible, she was led away from God by lust for something good to eat, she wanted to learn -- the fruit was good to make one wise -- but she wasn't able to come to the knowledge of the truth. The truth was that Satan was sort of right (which is like sort of pregnant) -- she would not die instantaneously; her soul, though, would die and eventually, so would her body.

I hate to tell you this, ladies, but we need our husbands to protect us from ourselves, sometimes. We can get enamored of fads or jump on spiritual hobbyhorses. I am not being critical of our sex; I am just quoting the Bible. II Timothy 3:7, above, talked about what can happen to unprotected women, whether or not there is a man in the house. Some people hypothesize that Adam was standing right there when Eve was being tempted. And he did nothing!

Which brings me to our next scripture in Numbers 30. Bet you never thought I'd go there!

vv. 3-5    Or if a woman makes a vow to the Lord, and binds herself by some agreement while in her father's house in her youth, and her father hears her vow and the agreement by which she has bound herself shall stand; and the Lord will release her, because her father overruled her. But if her father overrules her on the day that he hears, then none of her vows nor her agreements by which she has bound herself shall stand; and the Lord will release her, because her father overruled her.

An unmarried woman can have her vow overridden by her father on the day he hears of it. Otherwise, she is bound to keep the vow. Think of a young lady making plans with friends to go to Spring Break; her fathers can tell her she can't -- on the day he hears of it.

vv. 6-8   If indeed she takes a husband, while bound by her vows or by a rash utterance from her lips by which she bound herself, and her husband, and makes no response to her on the day that he hears, then her vows shall stand, and her agreements by which she bound herself shall stand. But if her husband overrules her on the day that he hears it, he shall make void her vow which she took and what she uttered with her lips, by which she bound herself, and the Lord will release her.

If she has been working on a vow and gets married, her new husband can insist she not fulfill the vow. Think about a young lady who had committed to working as a volunteer tutor in a bad neighborhood before she got married. Her new husband can ask her to quit after they are committed.

vv. 9-14   Also any vow of a widow or a divorced woman, by which she has bound herself, shall stand against her. If she vowed in her husband's house, or bound herself by an agreement with an oath, and her husband heard it, and made no response to her and did not overrule her, then all her vows shall stand, and every agreement by which she bound herself shall stand. But if her husband truly made them void on the day he heard them, then whatever proceeded from her lips concerning her vows or concerning the agreement binding her, it shall not stand; her husband has made them void, and the Lord will release her. Every vow and every binding oath to afflict her soul, her husband may confirm it, or her husband may make it void. Now if her husband makes no response whatever to her from day to day, then he confirms all her vows or all the agreements that bind her; he confirms them, because he made no response to her on the day that he heard them.

If a woman's husband allowed her to commit herself and she is either married, widowed or divorced, she has to fulfill that commitment.

Now look at v. 4 -- "holds his peace"
                     v. 7 -- "makes no response to her"
                     v. 11 -- "did not overrule her"
                     v. 14 -- "he confirms them, because he made no response to her."

He confirms her vow through his silence. What that means is that a passive husband leaves his wife with no protection. Now, the good thing about this is, there is a time limit -- "the day that he hears of it." If he objects, he can require her not to do it, but he is not given that right indefinitely, leaving her never sure if she was able to commit to something or not.

v. 15   But if he does make them void after he has heard them, then he shall bear her guilt.

She is not to blame for going back on her word if her husband vetoes immediately. But, beyond that day, he is the one culpable for her breaking her promise. Whether Adam were at Eve's side during the temptation or not, they did not fall until BOTH had eaten the fruit.

Genesis 3:6-7    So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.

According to the Numbers 30 passage, if Eve had eaten and Adam had said, "No, this isn't a good idea," Mankind wouldn't have fallen. The Bible us pretty clear that temptation isn't sin; yielding to temptation is sin. So, Eve didn't sin, aside from not checking with Adam first. Adam confirmed her act by also eating the fruit, and now Adam  bears the sin of Mankind, not Eve.

But, remember, Eve was not blameless! She shouldn't have committed without consulting Adam. He could have released her from her action, but he was passive and confirmed it by his silence.

Help your husband out by not putting him in the position of having to intervene in your plans, or taking the guilt of extricating you from plans you already got embroiled in without thinking.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Sarah, the Wife

These days women seem to be given a choice: sublimate their personalities in their husbands' or go all femi-nazi and tell their husbands, "I don't care what you want -- this is what I'm doing." You'll find people who teach both attitudes out of the Bible. But, the Bible is more creative than that. Women are given tremendous responsibility within the scope of their relationships with their husbands.

Let's take Sarah. Her husband was given a tremendous vision for his future and was told by God in three different revelations that he would be the father of many nations. But, he got older and older and not one child. He began to question how God would make that happen.

Before we go any farther along that line, how many children did Abraham actually have? Most moderately educated Christians will say, "Two." But, he actually had eight! There was Ishmael, born to hagar, isaac been to Sarah and after Sarah died Abraham took another wife named Keturah and had six more sons! But Sarah was the important one. The Bible says that Abraham "gave gifts to the sons of his concubines" and sent them east, away from Isaac, who got Abraham's entire inheritance. Sarah was the wife, Hagar and keturah were concubines. Remember that.

When Abraham was up on Mt. Moriah holding the knife to sacrifice Isaac, God said to him, "Because you have not withheld your only son from me." His only son. Ishmael, at least, was already born, yet Isaac was Abraham's only son in God's sight.

When God changed Abram's name to Abraham, he also changed Sarai's name to Sarah.

When the angel of the Lord was entertained by Abraham before the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, Abraham was told that, when He returned in a year, Sarah would have a child. She received the promises just as much as Abraham did. She laughed at it, but it was given to her.

Back to the concubine thing. If God's promise to Abraham was just that he would be the father of many nations, that was completely fulfilled by Hagar and Keturah. But, God also promised to give Abraham's descendants the land of Canaan, specifically to grow a people who would be connected to the site of the temple where he would be worshiped, the very same place that Abraham planned to sacrifice Isaac! Ishmael was told that he would be a wanderer and the only one of Keturah's sons we've ever heard of again is Midian. But the nation of Israel would survive as a people in a specific locale so that the Messiah's coming would be revealed in Christ clear as crystal because of the dozens of secific prophecies concerning Him. And only Sarah, the wife, could make that happen.

Her personality was not sublimated in her husband's; God told Abraham to listen to his wife. On the other hand, when she said, "I'm going to make God's plan happen," and gave Hagar to Abraham, we have the father of the Arabs being born and all the jealousies and conflicts that have come with it through the millenia. Her role was central and she affected the outcome but it was all because of her vital role as the wife.

What kind of wife are you? Are you the over-submissive wife, who doesn't contribute appreciably to her husband's workd in life because she never has an opinion? Or are you the managing wife who is organizing her husband's life to fulfill her dream? Or are you the selfish wife who says, "Your deal is not my deal?"

Or are you the supportive wife who says, "We're in this together."

Monday, February 27, 2017

Ode to Motherhood

This is a poem that I wrote and included in Adopted and Restored. Sometimes, a poem just pulls you down to the essentials of an issue.

I love being a mother.
It is my pride,
My point in the universe.
The babies grown up to be
Men and women
Without me.
The baby given away,
The babies died a-borning
Grown up without me
Or gone ahead without me.
They have found their life in me
And gone on.
Whether before birth,
At birth,
Or in grown-up-hood,
They don't need me anymore;
And I am left behind
To wonder
What to do next.
But, they have made me
More than I have made them.
Nothing lit up death
More than baby-life.
Nothing brought me lower
Than being scolded by my children.
The paradox of utter self-absorption in pregnancy
To give birth
And then
Utter self-sacrifice in growing up babies
Throws me back,
Stunned.
Being a mother
Has made me
What I am
Without children.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Mom, Marriage and Valentine's Day

How do you have a romantic time on Valentine's Day when you have a crowd of kids who need to go places, you're packing to move, and your daughter's in-laws are coming for dinner?  You do something different, that's how.

Today is Friday.  Sunday is Valentine's Day, but my daughter wanted her in-laws to come to see our house before we moved out of it, so she asked if we could have a couples dinner on the day.  I love my daughter, so I said yes.  I forgot I love my husband, too.  So, after we we started planning the couples day, I thought about my dear husband.

"How about we go out on Friday night and go to the Habitat Store to look for things for the new house before dinner?"  He very nicely said yes.

So, today is Friday.  Our house is so big, we have cleaning day because I'm more of a project person than a maintenance person.  This is it.  However, I stayed in bed and finished reading a Ted Dekker book my college daughter took out of the library before she went back to school.  I told Steve to go away when he started creeping towards my side of the bed.  I finished the book, got up around 9:45, ate a bowl of cereal while the kids watched Phineas and Ferb, and gave them their marching orders.  Then, I started cleaning my bathroom.  Cleaning bathrooms are the bane of my existence.  They need so much cleaning!  And you're not usually in them for long unless you are in a hurry to get somewhere else.  But, since I spent last cleaning day packing, I had to do the bathroom.

 As I was cleaning the bathroom in my nightgown, I realized that I didn't want to smell like this when I went on my Valentine's date this evening, so I planned to clean my personal corners after I did the bathroom.  Which I did.  However, we are moving and, since I'm the mom, I am trying to use up all the dribs and drabs of cleaning materials around the house.  While cleaning my corners, I realized that I had used some kids body wash and I was going to smell like bubble gum for the rest of the day.  How romantic.  I got out of the tub, was drying myself off and found, to my horror, that my legs looked like a gorilla's.  Back in the tub.  Once going with the razor, I found that it had been even longer since I'd done my underarms and I thought I might have to take scissors to the hair in my armpits!

Does this sound familiar?

The fact is, this is life for people who are responsible for others' needs and wishes, maybe not for people who have only themselves to worry about.  We are moms.  This is our life.  And we wouldn't want it any other way, would we?  I'm down to six kids in school around our house and I already feel like there are holes in the family structure.  But, the most important person in this whole deal is the one person I have hardly mentioned in this article: my husband.

At our wedding, the pastor exhorted us to keep our marriage first.  That Steve shouldn't let work or sports or hobbies come before me and I shouldn't let kids or crafts or house or friends come before him.  And that includes sex.  Yes.  The "S" word.  It is the only thing that differentiates the marriage relationship from any other relationship.  It results in an intimacy and vulnerability and even sacrifice that no other relationship on earth provides, not even twins. As evidenced in my story today, life demands so many unromantic things of us; what do I do to counteract that?

I will do what I planned: go on a date with my husband and put on my red silk nightshirt and my black lace panties for bed.  And hope the kids go to bed early

Thursday, February 9, 2017

My Homeschooling Life Verse

"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." Mark 10:45

In 2001, we had just moved to Wisconsin and my husband was officially home. I was at the end of my rope. I was homeschooling four small children, had a toddler, was pregnant, was doing all the housework, and my husband sat upstairs on his computer all day. And God kept talking to me about serving my family. I was okay with it, though I felt that there wasn't much left of me, that I was about wrung out and I didn't know how I could serve any more than I was. I knew that was what God wanted to talk to me about and I knew that the upcoming ladies' retreat was going to be about servanthood, so I said, "God, I get it, and I will deal with it at the retreat. Okay?" And He was okay with it.

So, I go to the retreat, and get my little gift packet that they always give you. In it was a funny little toy. It was a seesaw or teeter totter made from a wooden spool and a popsicle stick. It had Mark 10:45 on it. It made me sad.

Why? Because I love teeter totters. They were my favorite playground toy. I felt so strong jumping up and getting a good volley going with someone on the other side. But, of course, it is impossible to play on a teeter totter alone. And my most vivid memory of playground time is of being on a teeter totter and having the other person get bored and jump off, leaving me to crash to the ground. This didn't happen once. It happened over and over again.

But, why did they give us the picture of a teeter totter as the image of servanthood? Well, the point of servanthood is that we have to die to ourselves. We cannot press on and do what we want as a good servant; we have to give up what we want for the needs of the one we are serving. I had to die.

As the retreat ended, we were to write ourselves a letter that the speaker would send to us in two months on what we had learned or resolved from the retreat. I began to cry. I sobbed, shielding my face from the people around me, who were, fortunately, not paying attention to me. My paper got all wrinkly from my tears as I told God that I didn't want to serve that much, but I knew I had to. That I knew it would be hard and that it was not an option. But, I would do it. I would do it with Him.

And that was the point of the teeter totter. I can't serve alone. I can only do it with God on the other side. But, the most wonderful comfort is that, He will never jump off. He will never leave me. He will never allow me to crash painfully to the ground. I'll do what I can and when I run out of upward momentum, He'll give the next push. After all, He knows all about servanthood. He gave up His life in serving. I will probably not actually die from serving. But, I'm sure in good company as I give up my way, my time, my temper, my impatience to serve my family. So, God and I are in this servant thing together.

Monday, January 30, 2017

A Letter From Your Birthmother

I have spoken to a lot of people over the years about adoption.  What I have heard more than anything else is a question from adoptees: "How could you give up your daughter?" It seems that, while "adoption is the loving option", there are still many challenges to being adopted, particularly in a closed adoption, as my daughter was. Questions like, "Who do I look like?" "What is my real ethnic derivation?" "Didn't you love me?" "Where do I belong?" are common and heartbreaking for a birth mother like me, who hoped that my daughter would never miss me.

I wrote her a letter, which I never let anyone else read and never sent. For the sake of so many adoptees out there, and their healing, I would like to offer this.

                                                                                                 May 28, 1984

Dear Little Darlin',

I don't know how you must feel about this imaginary person who gave birth to you.  Either anger at having abandoned you or being willing to give you to somebody else, or blessedness that I loved you enough to give you a real family.  Perhaps I should tell you the basics.  Maybe you'll understand this/me a little more.

Your father was a dear friend, not a love, but we shared many things in common, and I wouldn't have given up his friendship for the world.  I only saw him once after you were born and then we talked about how you had affected our lives.  I remember wondering, "How can a 15-second old baby look like a twenty year old man?"  Whatever, it was true.  Your birthday was six days after his.  He loved history and fantasy and when I had contemplated keeping you, he said, "Send me a picture.  I want to send it a sword on its 14th birthday." I loved him for that.

At first, he wanted me to have an abortion though he didn't even offer his opinion till he'd heard mine.  You'll no doubt be please to hear that that never even was considered.  You were starting to live, and you were going to stay that way if I had anything to say about it.

At first, I was shaky when I found out because I was afraid of disappointing my parents. But I was happy at the same time, because I'd ruptured an ovary once and I felt that God was saying, "See, you don't have anything to worry about." I have to admit, that though most people wouldn't think having an illegitimate child something to be proud of, in these days when there are so many couples incapable of having children, I couldn't help feeling a trifle smug.

My parents and I prayed about you (fortunately, they agreed with me on the no abortion) and they figured that adoption was the best thing.  I was relieved and happy for several reasons.  One of the major ones was realizing what  a child I was and how incapable of being on my own, let alone caring for a child of my own.  Another big reason was that I would be steward of a very special Christmas gift. God had an important purpose for me.

I had hard times, but overall, I loved being pregnant. It was a happy time, with not a huge amount of tears, surrounded by loving, Christian people.

One thing you should never, ever be afraid of. And that is that you weren't wanted. On the contrary, everyone wanted you. They put you on my stomach and I wanted to touch you so badly, and I had a great deal of trouble saying that I didn't want to see you. Every once in a while, I wish I had, but just because I promised God I would give you up didn't mean I had to be a martyr. The day after you were born, the lawyer called to make sure I hadn't been coerced into giving you up. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. That was the hard time, but after I crossed that hurdle, God took me in His arms just as I wanted to take you.

My mom and dad looked at you and my dad said afterward, "I wouldn't have minded keeping her." It took all my strength not to say, "Neither would I."

My grandmother called to hear how it had gone and said that it was a good thing she hadn't seen you; she would have wanted to take you home.

The choir director at our church, who also taught me piano, was willing to move out of the state to have you.

Your father said to me when I last saw him, "It's hard to keep up the devil-may-care attitude I always try to come across with when there's something I do care about." I think you really made him.
 
There's an old saying, "Any woman can be a mother, but it takes someone special to be a mom." I'm your mother, not your mom, but as the lawyer told me, you're doubly blessed in having two sets of parents, all of whom love.

Lord willing, someday, I'll have other children, but I don't think any of them will be what you were, because you were mine; no one else really had a claim on you. In my mind, I always called you L.D.: Little Darlin'. I had been pretending about a someone like you since three years before you were born. I imagined traipsing around Germany with you on my back, and going for hikes in the Indiana Dunes and the Northwoods. If you love the woods, that explains it; both your father and I loved the forest.

I expect that you'll be fascinated by anything imaginary; a combination of both him and I couldn't be anything else. And thanks to the loving household that I was told about, I know that that imagination will work wonders.

Mother

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Coming to Terms With a Special Needs Kid

Last year, I took my daughter Anna on her turn to help me at the Sheep and Wool Festival.  Within two days, three people asked me if she had problems.  Fortunately, a friend who also homeschools and has a business at Sheep and Wool is also a child occupational therapist and recommended we go to our doctor and get a prescription for occupational therapy.  I was starting to get anxious.

I took her advice, and we got an appointment with the doctor.  We also had a blood test done, because she was 11, 5 feet tall and weighed 190 pounds.  The doctor asked her if she felt self-conscious about her speech, and, to my joy, she didn't.  While she had difficulty with her "r's" and sibiliants, the atmosphere that she had experienced was encouraging enough that her family and friends had never made fun of her speech patterns. That was my happy.  After that, things were not so happy.

The first thing we found was, she was an 11 year old Type II diabetic.  We have tried so many things, but she has only gone up and is now 12 years old, 5 foot 2 inches and 125 pounds.

The next thing we found out, at the occupational therapist, was that mostly, her brain is fine, and the fact that she reads like a fiend is beneficial to her.  Beyond that, she is delayed almost, but not quite, to the level where she would get therapy at school in two areas: fine motor coordination and visual perception.

Next, the speech therapist discovered that her tongue is actually too large for her mouth, which explains the speech difficulties.  She also had difficulties finishing sentences that begin with prepositional phrases.

So, I lay in bed one Saturday morning praying about Anna.
"God, does Anna have learning problems?" "Yes."
So, I cried.  I could not be happy to have an over-sized daughter with speech impediments, chronic illness and learning problems.  I want her to be loved and admired and for life to be easy and happy for her.

But then, God made me be honest with myself.  I know other kids who have learning problems and physical problems and, really, she was so much better off!  She has people around who love her, she is a fantastic reader and storyteller, has compassion for cats and is one of the favorite playmates of her 6 year old brother.  At homeschool camp later that summer, I talked with a friend of mine whose 6 foot 7 inch son has severe Aspberger's Syndrome.  She was so encouraging to me of different things to do and gave me beautiful perspective on Anna.

She is smart.  Advanced Math is not important for life, but arithmetic is.  Playing games and doing chores is vitally important to her education, perhaps even more than academic work.  And, on top of that, I have had my pride well and truly squashed, which is always a good thing.  I had to grieve for what I had hoped she would be, but now I see all the things she can be.

She took the Iowa tests at the beginning of the school year.  I realized that, with her birthday at the end of September, I can actually call her a 6th grader, rather than 7th grader.  While that does lower the standard, I want her to be successful for her heart's sake.  Interestingly, that didn't affect her testing at all!  Yes, her math concepts were about 3rd grade.  So were her understanding of the use of reference materials.  Guess what: I never taught her how to use them, so how could she know them?  The same went with the prepositional phrase starts to sentences that the speech therapist gave her: I never worked on grammar or sentence construction with her -- how could she know them?  On the other hand, her reading comprehension and vocabulary were at 8th and 9th grade -- above average by any standard -- and her spelling was in the whopping 13th grade!  A college freshman!

Does she have challenges?  Yes.   Her math stinks and she has a hard time manipulating a pencil.  Is she going to be awkward socially?  For a while, definitely, until we give her the tools to understand other people's needs.  Does she need to lose weight?  It is life and death that she does.  Do we need to expect more from her?  Yes.  She is not a baby and if we treat her as one, she will behave as one.  But, is she capable of contributing to society?  Yes.  She is either going to be a crazy cat lady or a vet, but both of those contribute to society.  And right now, she is skating with another awkward, overgrown little girl who desperately wants a friend.  And she is being a friend.