Practicing Being In Love!

 We hear people say, "I fell out of love". That is understandable. The dailiness of life and habits that used to be cute but are now annoying can really take the glow off a marriage; but is it an excuse to move out of a commitment you made for life? On the other hand, what does it mean for our emotional well-being, the effect on our children, and our witness for Christ if we are living our lives with our spouses with gritted teeth, soldierong on?

All over the Bible are references to marriage being a picture of man's relationship with God--Ephesians 5, Ezekiel 16, the books of Song of Solomon and Hosea.There is no relationship on earth more intimate, so what could better show us what our relationship with God should look like? Given that, soldiering on in marriage is not God's best for us.

If we have fallen out of love, is it possible to fall back in love? I have to confess I have never been in love with my husband except when I practiced it! Since we just passed Valentine's Day, I took a poll at our homeschool group on how the moms kept close to their husbands. Here are the results:

--Don't use the word "divorce" in the context of your marriage.

--Pursue intimacy--purposefully! That means plan for it and make sacrifices to be sure it happens.

--Thank God for your spouse in your prayers and to his face.

--Brag on his love to your kids.  Our family goes around the table at least once a week and each person gives someone credit for doing something loving. Do it more often than that, even, or at any opportunity!

--Compliment him in front of other people as well as to his face. Studies have found the effect of a compliment is multiplied by the number of people who hear it.

--Share your struggles and growth with him and invite him to share his.

--Write him a love note.

--Date.

--Smile at him.

--Be interested in him: his concerns, his work, his amusements (motorcycles, football, computers), offer to help him, ask him, "How can I pray for you?"

--Pray for him! I admit, this is my greatest challenge as a wife. I think that perhaps I feel that he's got this thing and doesn't need my prayers. Nevertheless, since marriage is our picture of man and God, we have to know that Satan will attack it--so we need to pray for our husbands and our marriages.

These are all simply ways to pay attention to your husband. There is no guarantee he will reciprocate, but that is not the point. If you pay attention and are concerned for your husband and seek him out, and you actually want to, you will find yourself falling back in love with him.   

"Life in the Trenches" is for Everybody

Being a homeschool parent isn't just about teaching reading and math; it's about life and who we are as parents and who our children are becoming. Even if you are not homeschooling, do not have kids, and are not even married, this book is about applying the Bible to every area of your life.

 My book, Life in the Trenches

The Family: A Mini Body of Christ

 I was just sick for a month. It was probably the icky-c. Suffice it to say, I was down for the count. Not eating, not working, not thinking, sleeping six hours during the day. However, I had seven people in the household and they still needed to be managed. How was I going to do it? The answer: I didn't.

The Bible says in I Corinthians 12 that the church is the body of Christ, made up of a whole bunch of parts that all need each other to function. Each part does its part to take care of parts that need it and weak parts are just as necessary as strong parts. In these past weeks, I have seen how the Christian family can be a mini body of Christ. 

In Ephesians, the Bible says we are all to submit to one another. Wives are to submit to husbands as the church submits to Christ; husbands submit to wives by loving them to the point of death as Christ did for the church; children submit to their parents by obeying their parents in the Lord.

If we parents are in the Lord, what are we teaching our children? Of course, there are the verses in Deuteronomy 6:6-9 about teaching your children about the word of God at every moment of the day. In addition, having sifted through all the verses in Proverbs, I have found that we are to teach our children to 1)respect authority, and 2)work.

Our little body of Christ submitted to each other over these past weeks. I listened when my husband told me to go lie down. He did chores he never does--laundry and cooking dinner. The kids didn't complain about their regular kitchen chores and went the extra mile. The week I couldn't lead music in church, my twelve-year-old son led with the guitar and his sister home from her internship led singing.

What really warmed me and tore me apart in humility was the kids' spiritual leading. You may have heard of icky-c brain; I got it. I couldn't think. I would wake and pray and the only thing I could say was, "Jesus!" Speaking has been exhausting. Dad was still leading prayers in the evening, but in the morning, the kids took turn reading the Bible, leading our scripture memory and everyone prayed, a change from our practice of one child praying a day. They prayed when I couldn't. I wanted to, but I couldn't and all of them praying filled up my prayer cup when I couldn't pray for myself. 

For you moms and dads out there, this is what you see after twenty-nine years of teaching your children diligently. I was fortunate to see the fruit vividly. I didn't do it all; their dad told me what he wanted and helped when he was there; grandmas and grandpas put in their oar when we needed it; but above all, we filled our family up with the Bible so they knew what God wanted from us all and what He would give us: our own little segment of the body of Christ.

"David's Wives" preview

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David had at least 8 wives, plus concubines, but only three do we hear much about. David's wives are a reflection of where he was at the point in time he met them. When David met Michal, he would only have been 17-20 years old and, even having a relationship with, and great trust in, God, would have been about as fatuous and self-involved as most very young men of military age. It is interesting that in those very early years of his career, he never actually did anything for anybody, besides be a faithful and skilled soldier. The Bible says Jonathan's heart was knit to David's and he loved David as his own soul -- not the other way around. David paid a dowry of 200 Philistine foreskins for Michal, but we never see him do anything for her. She, on the other hand helps him to escape and remains to face her father's wrath, which was murderous, as we know. It's the last they see of each other before he is made king, almost ten years later. Why didn't he take her with him? Is it any wonder she became embittered against him?

Abigail, he met and married at the height of his manhood. He was being chased around the countryside by Saul, doing a little dance between him and the Philistines, so he was very sharp mentally because of his constant strategizing and his greatest Psalms (and he wrote 2 whole books of them) were written during this period, indicating that this was the point of his life where he felt closest to the Lord. He was at his most charismatic at this time and really the height of his military career. When he was a soldier under Saul, he was resting on his laurels as the defeater of Goliath and was handed men to lead. Now, men flocked to him from all over and he was considered valuable enough as a military leader for Philistines to hire as a mercenary and their empire was a force to be reckoned with. It was during this time that he married Abigail, described in the Bible as a woman "of good understanding."

By the time he met Bathsheba, he was resting on his reputation. "In the spring of the year, at the time when kings go out to battle," he didn't. He took a vacation while his men went to war. He was neglectful of his relationship with God, otherwise he would never think of committing adultery with the wife of one of his mighty men and then arranging for his death.

So, each of his wives reflected his character at the time he met her: Michal disappointed in her first love, Abigail, the wise, whom he met at his spiritual and physical peak and Bethsheba during his period of corruption and intrigue and who did her fair share of intriguing. . .

We can be bitter at our husbands for everything they haven't been for us. Or, we can connive and use them for our own ends. Or we can be wise and help them look to the future and trust in God, recognizing that their futures are also our futures.

Respect Goes Both Ways

I was thinking the other day about kids asking "Why?" The typical (half-joking) answer is, "Because I said so." But "Why?" isn't a bad question. And, "Because I said so," isn't always a bad answer.

According to Dr. James Dobson, there are three types of parenting: permissive, authoritarian and authoritative.

Permissive parents essentially say, "the child rules". Sometimes he rules simply because Mom and Dad don't want to take the trouble to set boundaries. Sometimes he rules because Mom and Dad are afraid of losing a child's affection or feeling guilty because of hardships in a child's life. A child asking "Why?" and refusing to obey without knowing why and parents always having a reasonable answer for that question (or feeling that they must have one) is a hallmark of permissive parenting.

Authoritarian parents rule by "Because I said so." "Because I said so" is the only reason they ever need for whatever they want their children to do. Once again, sometimes, this is because Mom and Dad don't want to take the trouble to communicate their reasoning to their children. Sometimes it's because they don't want to do the self-examination that any other answer would require. Sometimes, they rule by "Because I said so" in an honest desire to teach their children to submit to authority.

A child brought up by purely permissive parenting will grow up without boundaries and live in fear that there is no one bigger than they - no one guarding them from the world, which they inherently understand is a big and dangerous place. The anger that these children often exhibit is actually a defense mechanism to hide fear.

A child brought up by authoritarian parenting will also live in fear. But they will be afraid because they don't understand why they are supposed to do or not do things and will have no judgment as to how to make their own decisions. They will always look to the authoritarian parent to make those decisions for them, even as adults.

Authoritative parents answer the question "Why?" as often as they can. But sometimes, the answer is, "Because I said so." When a two-year-old has no other response to anything you tell him but, "Why?", he is probably not actually looking for the answer to his question. However, you need to know "Why" you are asking him to do whatever you are asking him to do. And ultimately, the answer to that is, "Because I said so"!

You see, God did put you in authority over your children, to give them boundaries, but also to give them encouragement and the tools they need to be wise, decision-making adults one day. So, the answer to every "Why?" starts with "Because God put me in charge and I love you and want the best for you and making the bed is a small piece of responsibility that you can take and develop discipline to become a wise, successful adult." How's that for an answer to the question, "Why?"

There are occasions when we don't have time to answer "Why?" At those times, a respectful child will accept "Because I said so." But using "Because I said so" because a parent is too tired or lazy to come up with a reason is not respectful to the child. The most successful families are run with respect required on the part of both the parents and the children.

If you are ever stuck on the fence, not knowing whether you should lean toward "Because I said so," or toward answer the question, "Why?" Dr. Dobson always recommends leaning towards being permissive. More damage is done by screwing a child into place than by trusting him and giving him space.

Michal, the Bitter

Michal, David's wife, never bore children. Unlike the other barren wives in the Bible, Satan was not trying to prevent the birth of the Messiah, nor was God trying to point out the special nature of the woman's son. Michal sinned. She left God and grew bitter and paid the consequences.

She is one of the few women in the Bible whose story we follow over several years. After the book of Genesis, most women are seen in snapshots. But we get a very clear, sad picture of how Michal ended up a bitter, lonely old woman.

She didn't start out that way. She started out as the starry-eyed young princess in love with the handsome young hero of the battle with Goliath. And he was in love with her, too, enough that when Saul demanded 100 Philistine foreskins for a dowry (and how would get them except by killing their owners?) he and his men procured 200! And when Saul was planning to kill David, she sacrificed her relationship with her father by deceiving him and helping David to escape by night.

Now, saul was not a loving father and was not a particularly honorable man. The usual deal in these events is that you win the battle, you get the princess. David hadn't claimed the prize because he was humble and didn't think he deserved to be the king's son-in-law. Saul had to do some behind-the-scenes intriguing to talk him into going for the dowry of foreskins, which he hoped would be the end of David. but, by this time, he had already given away his oldest daughter, who should have been the prize, to someone else. That was his first cheat. Next, he wanted David to go for the foreskins in the hopes that he would be killed, not so he could fulfill his promise of reward David for defeating Goliath. That was his second cheat. He promised Jonathan, his most trusted son and confidante that he wouldn't harm David. And then, he threw a spear at Jonathan for being on David's side: third cheat. When David headed for the hills to hide from Saul, first he killed the priests who had innocently fed and armed David: fourth cheat. Then he ran around the countryside trying to kill David, repeatedly repenting and then turning around to chase him down again: fifth cheat. finally, he gave Michal away to a new husband, Palti of Galiim.

How secure would you be with a father like that? And things got worse.

After her father died, David was made king. Abner was a cousin of Saul's and his captain. After Saul's death, Abner made overtures to David to a) unite the kingdom and b) protect himself from a death sentence for having chased David around the countryside for Saul all those years. I don't know if David made this request out of the memory of the love he and Michal had had, from machismo (what's mine, is mine!) or as a request of Abner as a sign of good faith, but all he asked Abner was that he bring David Michal. But this was between fifteen and twenty years after he had left, and Michal had a new husband. Actually, he wasn't such a new husband because they had been married over fifteen years. And as Michal was taken away by Abner, Paltiel followed her, weeping. Not fighting for her, weeping.

Michal had been disappointed in her dreams. She had once shared David's vision and was willing to give up her security with her father for him. But, she was abandoned by him and treated as political chattel by her father, Abner, and David. Let's say she wept as much for Paltiel as he did for her. The Bible doesn't say that she did. Either way, she got tossed around by circumstances that she could not control.

The last scene we see her in is during the return of the Ark of the Covenant to Israel after it had been stolen by the Philistines. There was a procession -- no, more of a moveable feast -- through the streets of Jerusalem.  David was "whirling and leaping" and he was dancing with all the people and they wee shouting for joy and trumpets were calling.

And Michal saw him from her window and despised him. David had put aside his kingly robes and mingled with the hoi poloi. She had forgotten why he was anointed king in her father's place: to be a king and a man after God's own heart. She didn't understand the qualities that made men flock to him in the wilderness and do crazy dangerous things to please him in battle: humility before God and his fellow man.

She could have valued those things. But, her frustration over her circumstances, her wounded pride and, most of all, her lack of connection with God, fostered bitterness in her heart. Apparently, she never overcame it because (II Sam. 6:33) "Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death."

Can your sin be what is keeping you from receiving good things in this life? Maybe. But, John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."  Do you feel your rights have been violated? Do you feel you have been cheated? Are you jealous of the good things those around you receive? Are things just not fair? Is there any specific thing you can point to in your life that has frustrated you and caused you to become bitter? God promises that confession is followed by restoration. If it really is person sin, you will be able to humbled before God and accept from Him whatever He wants to give you, because

                   "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." (James 1:17)

How Responsible Was Eve?

 The scholars of medieval times chose to make Eve the fall guy for the Fall. But, it's not as simple as Eve's leading Adam to disobey God. The fact is, both Adam and Eve share responsibility for the Fall of the human race just as both husbands and wives are responsible for the condition of their families.

Was Eve tempted? Yes. Was she solely responsible for the Fall? No. But she was one of the "gullible women, led away by various lusts, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth," that Paul talks about in II Timothy 3:7. She was certainly gullible, she was led away from God by lust for something good to eat, she wanted to learn -- the fruit was good to make one wise -- but she wasn't able to come to the knowledge of the truth. The truth was that Satan was sort of right (which is like sort of pregnant) -- she would not die instantaneously; her soul, though, would die and eventually, so would her body.

I hate to tell you this, ladies, but we need our husbands to protect us from ourselves, sometimes. We can get enamored of fads or jump on spiritual hobbyhorses. I am not being critical of our sex; I am just quoting the Bible. II Timothy 3:7, above, talked about what can happen to unprotected women, whether or not there is a man in the house. Some people hypothesize that Adam was standing right there when Eve was being tempted. And he did nothing!

Which brings me to our next scripture in Numbers 30. Bet you never thought I'd go there!

vv. 3-5    Or if a woman makes a vow to the Lord, and binds herself by some agreement while in her father's house in her youth, and her father hears her vow and the agreement by which she has bound herself shall stand; and the Lord will release her, because her father overruled her. But if her father overrules her on the day that he hears, then none of her vows nor her agreements by which she has bound herself shall stand; and the Lord will release her, because her father overruled her.

An unmarried woman can have her vow overridden by her father on the day he hears of it. Otherwise, she is bound to keep the vow. Think of a young lady making plans with friends to go to Spring Break; her fathers can tell her she can't -- on the day he hears of it.

vv. 6-8   If indeed she takes a husband, while bound by her vows or by a rash utterance from her lips by which she bound herself, and her husband, and makes no response to her on the day that he hears, then her vows shall stand, and her agreements by which she bound herself shall stand. But if her husband overrules her on the day that he hears it, he shall make void her vow which she took and what she uttered with her lips, by which she bound herself, and the Lord will release her.

If she has been working on a vow and gets married, her new husband can insist she not fulfill the vow. Think about a young lady who had committed to working as a volunteer tutor in a bad neighborhood before she got married. Her new husband can ask her to quit after they are committed.

vv. 9-14   Also any vow of a widow or a divorced woman, by which she has bound herself, shall stand against her. If she vowed in her husband's house, or bound herself by an agreement with an oath, and her husband heard it, and made no response to her and did not overrule her, then all her vows shall stand, and every agreement by which she bound herself shall stand. But if her husband truly made them void on the day he heard them, then whatever proceeded from her lips concerning her vows or concerning the agreement binding her, it shall not stand; her husband has made them void, and the Lord will release her. Every vow and every binding oath to afflict her soul, her husband may confirm it, or her husband may make it void. Now if her husband makes no response whatever to her from day to day, then he confirms all her vows or all the agreements that bind her; he confirms them, because he made no response to her on the day that he heard them.

If a woman's husband allowed her to commit herself and she is either married, widowed or divorced, she has to fulfill that commitment.

Now look at v. 4 -- "holds his peace"
                     v. 7 -- "makes no response to her"
                     v. 11 -- "did not overrule her"
                     v. 14 -- "he confirms them, because he made no response to her."

He confirms her vow through his silence. What that means is that a passive husband leaves his wife with no protection. Now, the good thing about this is, there is a time limit -- "the day that he hears of it." If he objects, he can require her not to do it, but he is not given that right indefinitely, leaving her never sure if she was able to commit to something or not.

v. 15   But if he does make them void after he has heard them, then he shall bear her guilt.

She is not to blame for going back on her word if her husband vetoes immediately. But, beyond that day, he is the one culpable for her breaking her promise. Whether Adam were at Eve's side during the temptation or not, they did not fall until BOTH had eaten the fruit.

Genesis 3:6-7    So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.

According to the Numbers 30 passage, if Eve had eaten and Adam had said, "No, this isn't a good idea," Mankind wouldn't have fallen. The Bible us pretty clear that temptation isn't sin; yielding to temptation is sin. So, Eve didn't sin, aside from not checking with Adam first. Adam confirmed her act by also eating the fruit, and now Adam  bears the sin of Mankind, not Eve.

But, remember, Eve was not blameless! She shouldn't have committed without consulting Adam. He could have released her from her action, but he was passive and confirmed it by his silence.

Help your husband out by not putting him in the position of having to intervene in your plans, or taking the guilt of extricating you from plans you already got embroiled in without thinking.

Sarah, the Wife

These days women seem to be given a choice: sublimate their personalities in their husbands' or go all femi-nazi and tell their husbands, "I don't care what you want -- this is what I'm doing." You'll find people who teach both attitudes out of the Bible. But, the Bible is more creative than that. Women are given tremendous responsibility within the scope of their relationships with their husbands.

Let's take Sarah. Her husband was given a tremendous vision for his future and was told by God in three different revelations that he would be the father of many nations. But, he got older and older and not one child. He began to question how God would make that happen.

Before we go any farther along that line, how many children did Abraham actually have? Most moderately educated Christians will say, "Two." But, he actually had eight! There was Ishmael, born to hagar, isaac been to Sarah and after Sarah died Abraham took another wife named Keturah and had six more sons! But Sarah was the important one. The Bible says that Abraham "gave gifts to the sons of his concubines" and sent them east, away from Isaac, who got Abraham's entire inheritance. Sarah was the wife, Hagar and keturah were concubines. Remember that.

When Abraham was up on Mt. Moriah holding the knife to sacrifice Isaac, God said to him, "Because you have not withheld your only son from me." His only son. Ishmael, at least, was already born, yet Isaac was Abraham's only son in God's sight.

When God changed Abram's name to Abraham, he also changed Sarai's name to Sarah.

When the angel of the Lord was entertained by Abraham before the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, Abraham was told that, when He returned in a year, Sarah would have a child. She received the promises just as much as Abraham did. She laughed at it, but it was given to her.

Back to the concubine thing. If God's promise to Abraham was just that he would be the father of many nations, that was completely fulfilled by Hagar and Keturah. But, God also promised to give Abraham's descendants the land of Canaan, specifically to grow a people who would be connected to the site of the temple where he would be worshiped, the very same place that Abraham planned to sacrifice Isaac! Ishmael was told that he would be a wanderer and the only one of Keturah's sons we've ever heard of again is Midian. But the nation of Israel would survive as a people in a specific locale so that the Messiah's coming would be revealed in Christ clear as crystal because of the dozens of secific prophecies concerning Him. And only Sarah, the wife, could make that happen.

Her personality was not sublimated in her husband's; God told Abraham to listen to his wife. On the other hand, when she said, "I'm going to make God's plan happen," and gave Hagar to Abraham, we have the father of the Arabs being born and all the jealousies and conflicts that have come with it through the millenia. Her role was central and she affected the outcome but it was all because of her vital role as the wife.

What kind of wife are you? Are you the over-submissive wife, who doesn't contribute appreciably to her husband's workd in life because she never has an opinion? Or are you the managing wife who is organizing her husband's life to fulfill her dream? Or are you the selfish wife who says, "Your deal is not my deal?"

Or are you the supportive wife who says, "We're in this together."